Dear Bee,
So yesterday, I went to this OA meeting that I frequent on a routine basis. This was the first meeting I had ever attended and the timing and scheduling tends to just work well with my schedule. However, it’s different from every other meeting in that most of the girls there are my age (I’m usually, if not always, the youngest) and nearly every single one identifies herself as bulimic or anorexic. At least three quarters of the women are currently in in-patient treatment, meaning most of them are very sick, physically and emotionally.
I still find it amazing that I can feel so deeply worried for them, and at the same time, feel so insecure about myself. Eating disorders are the only mental illness I can think of where there seems to be a hierarchy of who is sicker.
I acknowledge that I feel different around these group of women than I do around the people in other meetings. Maybe it’s because they are closer to me in age, so the natural competitiveness drive comes out. Maybe it’s because they are skinnier, and my mind automatically associates lower weights with higher success, attractiveness, and worthiness. This is an automatic thought, however, and I have learned that I cannot control those. What I can control, however, is my ability to reframe it immediately into a more positive and constructive thought. Otherwise, I risk stirring up those negative feelings, thus leading to negative behaviors.
I acknowledge that I left the meeting feeling more insecure than I had when I entered. And so, I took a leap of faith and called my sponsor. I didn’t know how I was going to word my feelings (I’m a LOT better with writing than speaking), but I described it to my best ability. I told her I wasn’t feeling very well: I didn’t necessarily feel triggered to binge, but I was struggling with some body image insecurities. She told me to write about it (revolutionary, right?! I know I picked her for a reason) and then she asked me why I was going to a meeting that wasn’t serving positive purpose in my life. I immediately thought, Well, I need to get over my insecurities…obviously, it’s MY fault that I am feeling this way. These girls aren’t doing anything wrong. I need to step out of my comfort zone…blah, blah, blah..
And then, I thought about one of my favorite inspirational quotes, one that has guided me so much in my recovery and throughout my life: Stop holding onto what hurts and make room for what feels good.
Right now, this meeting isn’t making me feel good. And I think we all do things that don’t “feel good” because we think we HAVE to. And yes, okay, there may be some nonnegotiable tasks we must do in life that we don’t necessarily love. But why add more?!?!
Anyway, the rest of my day went really well, as I was able to immediately identify how I feel and reconstruct my negative thoughts. As soon as I do this, you are so incredibly minimized…to the point where I just see you as a sad and pathetic child.
The rest of my day was filled with wonderful blessings: seeing one of my best friends, accomplishing some important tasks at work, an absolutely amazing therapy session, an invigorating workout, a much-needed conversation with my mom, sunshine and cute dresses, a few call-backs and scheduled interviews for my practicum sites, and a night out with my friends where I didn’t see you AT ALL!
