Dear Bee,
In my therapy session, I was sharing how I occasionally feel like I don’t “fit in” with the classic eating disorder symptoms. Technically, according to the current DSM-IV-TR, I meet the criteria for Eating Disorder: Not Otherwise Specified. While this is the most popular diagnosis among the three current diagnoses, it is by far the most misunderstood.
I was telling her how I feel like I’m in such a gray area (although I strangely love my black-and-white thinking). While I have great experience with bingeing, I do not necessarily relate to the stories of people eating out of trash cans, devouring entire cakes, or spending hundreds of dollars on food. I do not know what it is like to be morbidly obese. I also have experience with restricting, but likewise, I do not necessarily relate to people subsiding on negative-intake diets, cutting up food to pretend like more has been eaten, or fasting for multiple days. I do not know what it is like to be dangerously underweight.
I do not know what it’s like for people to call you out on having an eating disorder.
I do not know what inpatient treatment is like.
I do not have any experience with hospitalization, forced feeding, or weight restoration.
I do not know the feelings after vomiting an entire meal of the internal pain people undergo when abusing laxatives.
I think of EDNOS as the awkward and neglected middle child. EDNOS does not demand outward attention; it uses all sorts of behaviors and other people can make sense of the logic; EDNOS stays out of the spotlight; EDNOS does not even always receive reimbursement or medical assistance!
Imagine the individual who is suffering only to feel he/she does not “have an identify” in the eating disorder world.
When I hear of stories about doctors or therapists who refuse to help individuals who are “not underweight” enough to immediately demand medical attention, my heart breaks. What will it take? A tombstone?
Eating disorders are not about the amount or type of food consumed. They are not about the number on the scale. Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes.
I went to an OA meeting last night and people were sharing about what brought them to OA. People described devastating stories of desperation and hopelessness. They talked about hitting rock bottom. I told my therapist they I did not feel like I had hit such an intense rock bottom, that my story could not possibly compare to theirs.
And what did she say?
In other words, you’re not the best at your eating disorder?
We both laughed. It was a ridiculous idea, yes, but she completely nailed it.
This is my constant struggle of not feeling good enough for help, attention, or recognition.
I am so used to striving for great success and comparing my abilities to others…it makes perfect sense that I compare the ferocity of my eating disorder (and recovery) to others.
This is, of course, not a competition. With drug and alcohol addiction, many people struggling deny their problem because they know someone who has it “worse” than them. Someone who drinks/uses more; someone who drinks/uses everyday; someone who had been in more legal trouble or has faced more health complications.
Just as we can always feel inferior when we want to be, we can always feel superior when we need to be.
Anyway, good session. I love therapy and I love training to be a therapist!
