Dear Bee,
Well, I’ve made it to three meetings in three days. So far, so good. Today, we read about the infamous Step Four (I’m still taking my sweet time on Step Two) and did a 15-minute free write based on the question:
How can I take a more balanced view of myself? Why is this important?
My free-write answer (unedited): Balance means letting go of the need to control and manage; it means surrender and acceptance. Balance allows and encourages moderation in all walks of life; it is the antithesis of compulsion, the antagonist of the life I am used to living.
To achieve balance, I must look inward. At the traits who make me who I am and at the passions I hold that inspire me each day. Balance means honoring my intuition, nourishing myself with whatever my mind, body, and soul ask for as soon as I can. Balance is the absence of denial and deprivation, punishment and self-loathing.
I have led a life bound by compulsion, driven by a zealous need that I “have” to do this…or else. Or else what? The world would shatter, of course. Without balance, what does one have? A world colored only in black-and-white, a language with an alphabet of distortion and negativity.
Balance makes room for inner peace and greater harmony. Balance restores the eagerness to live and the willingness to learn. It keeps us centered and grounded, available and attentive in whatever we do throughout the day. True balance is free of preoccupation and obsession, for its symbolizes the liberation of fear and worry.
My life as of yet has felt unbalanced. I was in the throes of my disorder–of this disease–bound by its toxicity and addiction. I am undoing my perfectionist complex everyday; I am learning that sometimes we must let go or hold on and be dragged. I am envisioning the life I want, of an existence rich with meaning and purpose, and I am taking the actions to get it.
Balance is the epitome of stability, of inner calmness, of accepting and living life on life’s terms, of the ability to provide ourselves with enough unconditional love to recognize our shortcoming without condemning ourselves for them.
Balance is a journey. One that starts with awareness and incentive to change, but one that will also lead us into the people we seek to be.
Reading this aloud in front of a group of people who just understood, and I knew they related to my every word by their body language alone, was so liberating. So healing. So perfectly suitable for what I needed today.
I did good things for myself today, and in turn, I shut you out. I bought myself new jeans because I’m the girl who literally recycles the same two to three pairs every single day until it warms up (and then I retire the jeans to a few months of shorts, skirts, and dresses). And I love them. I also bought new underwear, because why not?! I used to get all those cute lingerie sets to make my ex-boyfriend happy, but you know what?! I can enjoy them for myself!
And that fire we had in my house a few weeks ago? The homeowners insurance is sending me a HUGE check to cover the extremely minor damage caused to my carpet and bed.
Happy thoughts make for a happy life.
